How (not) to: Make Pancakes

The Definitive Guide to Not Making Pancakes, by Star

1. First, the day before, you should notice that the bananas are getting soft. Better cook with them! Announce your intention to make pancakes the next morning.


awwwww yeah. Look at those delicious motherfuckers. With watermarks for extra flavor! 


2. Wake up at 4am for no discernible reason. Did you feel an earthquake?? No, there was no earthquake. You’re a crazy person. Stay up for a few hours drinking tea and then go lie down again.

3. Awake at 8am to the sounds of your sister flipping the fuck out because–surprise!–blue hair dye does not ONLY dye hair.

No, rubbing yourself with my towels is not going to help. Thanks for the blue towels, though.

Please stop crying.

Okay, I’m going to go look up remedies.

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That’s . . . no.

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Let’s try baking soda and dish soap, okay? You already tried dish soap? The dish soap in the kitchen? Yeah, this is just regular hand soap. Dish soap is different. They’re both soap but–okay, but did you try dish soap and baking soda? Let’s try it then. Well, it will probably work better than crying. Okay.

Yeah, that kind of worked. No, it’s very cute hair. No, I can hardly tell you have blue ears. Sure, you can borrow my hair clips. Are we good? Your friend was mean to you yesterday? Wow, yeah, sure, she’s a whore. If you say so. Okay, cool. I’ll make breakfast. Try . . . try to stop touching things, okay?


4. Okay! Now you need to get yourself a recipe. You can use a special recipe that calls for bananas, or just any old pancake recipe–just replace every egg with a mashed, medium-size banana.

So . . . the bananas are gone. Where are the bananas? Yeah, I know they were soft, they–okay, sure. I did say–okay, you know what? That’s fine. It’s totally cool. I’m sure it was totally necessary to open each one of them and take a bite to test for consistency. Good job trying to eat fruit.


5. Find another recipe. I feel like oatmeal. Nice and hearty. Super simple–there’s like six ingredients and hell no, you are not going to use raisins. So, five ingredients.

We’re out of baking powder. Google? I’m out of baking powder.

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Google gets me.


Retrieve the baking soda from the bathroom. Find lemon juice. We’re in business.


6. Mix dry ingredients in a medium bowl. Maybe use twice as much cinnamon. And some Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice because that shit is the shit.

A little more TJ’s spice.

7. Okay good. You’ve gotta start cooking while the baking soda and lemon juice are still reacting, so let’s heat up the pan.

Where the fuck is my pan?

Honey, did you use my–okay, it doesn’t go there, but–thanks.

It’s greasy. Who puts a dirty pan back in the cupboard? Okay but lightly caressing the pan with a sponge on a stick is not the same as cleaning. Because you can still see the–look, it’s there. It’s shiny. If I put water in there it floats on top like an oil slick.

No, I’m not mad, I’m just–of course you’re allowed to make food, I’d just really appreciate if you’d–okay, well, I’m a little stressed out too, but I’m not crying about it.

I’m not picking on you, I just–if you’re not going to clean the pan, can you just leave it out so can do it, then? Jesus.


8. Clean the fucking pan.

9. Put it on low heat with juuuust a little coconut oil. Nice.

10. Add the wet ingredients to the dry. Substitute almond milk because hell yes, almond milk. And how about some vanilla extract? Now we’re cooking.

11. This particular recipe doesn’t exactly spread, so smoosh it with the spoon a bit until it’s vaguely round.

It also doesn’t bubble like you’re probably used to, so pay attention to the edges.


And flip!




Maybe the first few are a little undercooked in the middle, but fuck it. There’s nothing in there you can’t eat raw, and they taste pretty damn good. Fuck yeah, TJ Spice!


12. Make yourself like two pancakes (okay three) and eat them while you start doctoring the rest of the batter to suit someone else’s tastebuds because some people fear the taste of health.

Add about a tablespoon of maple syrup, a quarter cup of brown sugar, and–yeah, sure–why not? Chocolate chips.


Are you candy yet?


13. Make some of these ones in the Mickey Mouse shape. Of course it’s dumb, but it’s also cute.

Arrange them on a plate and call in your sister.


14. Why are you all dressed? You–your friends are coming to pick you up and go to Denny’s for breakfast? Oh.

Yeah, no, that’s totally cool.

No, there’s just something in my eye.

Yes, your eyeliner is even. You look great. Be safe. Wait! Do you have your wallet? Your phone? House key? You should probably get your house key just in case because–okay, thanks. I love you. Bye!


15. So now you have all these pancakes–

Oh, hi. What did you forget?

I haven’t seen it.

Why do you have to change your shirt anyway?

Honey I can barely see that little stain–okay, do you want this shirt? What’s wrong with it? I know you want the other one but I don’t know where–

I am trying to help you.

I AM TRYING TO–okay good yes that one works. Yes, it looks fine. Okay.

Okay I love you goodbye be safe jesus christ.


16. Eat yourself way too many delicious chocolate-chip Mickey Mouse pancakes. They’re not going to warm up well and you’ll be goddamned if you waste more food.

17. You know what? You’re totally entitled to waste food. Fuck it.

18. Nap time.

Crochet Project

I was recently invited to a birthday party for twin two-year-olds. It was a little last-minute, so I just threw together something easy with a crochet pattern from this awesome personal blog, Hopeful Honey.

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The frogs are true to pattern and the bears are my own simple alteration. The birthday cards have tortoises on them because the birthday party was a desert tortoise encounter. Each pair of booties only took a few hours, and apparently the boys are loving them!

bear slippers froggy slippers


The only problem is that I thought it was the twin’s first birthday when I wrote the cards . . . ah, well. Too late! Check out my awesome pen-only tortoise drawings, though:

tortoise birthday cards

I got my MA!!

Still waiting for my diploma in the mail and it doesn’t feel real that it’s actually over.

For now, I’m filling the lack of structure in my life with cleaning and writing thank-you cards for really important professors and staff. I also actually drew something yesterday, like a real person with actual time and energy for creativity.

I just wanted to share this thank-you card because I think it’s important:

MA thank-you card


**Update: I got an email back! Apparently his daughter got a kick out of his caricature. haha